PRAYER PROCESS

                                

I have only been conscious of the “need to pray” when my SFC Household head told me to spend at least 15 minutes each day in prayer. I did as she told me, until I grew in my prayer life and spent more time in prayer. Years later, I also started with my devotions to the Sacred Heart [Novena], the Rosary, [the prayer of] Saint Philomena, and Saint Gertrude (Holy Souls in Purgatory). I have always tried to stick to my regular prayers until I came here. For months now, I have failed to pray my usual prayers. Sister Guia impressed on me a different method and perspective about prayer.  

So, what does it mean to pray, really?

She said Prayer is entering into a relationship with God and to have that relationship make a difference in my life. She added that Prayer is an unfolding of how Jesus sees [me]. She said that [I] must allow God to claim my heart: that [I] fall in love with God. She also emphasized that if there is one important petition I could ask God in prayer, it is that He “tell me who [I] am as His cherished one.”

“If you only knew the Gift of God!

If you knew who it is that asks you for a drink,

you yourself would have asked me and I would have given you living water.”

-John 4:10

By spending time with Jesus and journaling what I see, I could own the reality of my life, be transformed, and consequently, be the presence of Jesus to others. This, she said was what happened to the Samaritan woman when she met Jesus at the well.

“Come and see a man who told me everything I ever did!...”

Jn 4:29

But why am I becoming more and more perplexed? Why am I thirsting every day for His presence? What is this dryness?

“How difficult it is to grasp your thoughts, O God!

Their number cannot be counted.

 If I tried to do so, they would outnumber the sands;

I am never finished with you….

Search me, O God, and know my heart;

try me and know my thoughts.

See if my steps are going astray,

and lead me in your eternal way.”

Ps 139:17-18, 23-24

“All words become weary and speech comes to an end,

but the eye has never seen enough nor the ear heard too much.”

Ecclesiastes 1:8

Why is it that in the stillness of this house, my heart is burdened with too much noise? I am isolating myself from the crowd that might have been causing the turmoil. Looking deep into myself, I try to recall the events in my life, trying to recognize the Lord’s great leading, hoping that I would know where he intends me to go.

Sr. Guia told us that “[our] attention will be focused where our feelings are strongest.” As in the story of Moses, she advised that we “offer our Isaac to God.” She furthered that we “Do not let anyone disturb [our] peace”; that we “Develop [our] own inner authority. Take responsibility for all the decisions that [we] make and the direction that [we] are taking.  Exercise [our] freedom to choose what is life-giving to [us].”

So what is life-giving to me?

“…you worry and are troubled about many things,

whereas only one thing is needed. Mary has chosen the better part,

and it will not be taken away from her.”

-Luke 10:41-42

The parable about Mary and Martha is very memorable to me. I remember when I first encountered it, I felt as if I was Martha talking, as if I were alive in her character in that I always think or give myself too much self-importance, that I’m the busiest person in the house and that I am the one doing most of the chores. I felt I was but doing the right thing- being productive. I was thus very surprised when Jesus lectured on Martha. At first I could not understand why He said what He said. I felt that Martha was “justified” in calling the attention of Jesus about the “unfairness of her situation” vis-à-vis her sister Mary. But when Jesus called her attention and pointed to her anxieties, I was taken aback. I asked myself what my anxieties were. His words helped me reflect about my work, my motivations in doing them, and why I was so troubled with the “Mary’s” that I see around. I asked myself whether I was envious of their stillness and peace. Maybe like them, I wanted to be still, myself.  

Freedom, being, and truth: these are big words but maybe these are what Sr. Guia is helping us learn.

In the face of all the things happening, I am certain of only one thing: Jesus.  I am sure that “[He] has come that [I] may have life, life in all its fullness.” (John 10:10)

This idea lead me back to Matthew: “my yolk is good and my burden is light.” (Mt 11:28)

“Look at the dance. Hopefully, you would recognize the Dancer,” said Father Anthony Mello in the video that Sr. Guia showed us. I guess I am looking at the dance now. But, where is the Dancer?

I must be afflicted with the mammon illness that is why I could not see clearly. I could not understand grace. I could not see The One who is in all.

My categories are indeed being shattered. I am glad that we had a long loving gaze at the Prodigal God. I was introduced to my “Elder Brother Lost-ness” and his result-oriented morality observances. May I outgrow this self-righteousness and lack of compassion. Truly, I need to go back to who I am:  Who I am before I thought thoughts and before I felt feelings.

Sr. Guia said that being and goodness are one and the same thing and that I need to learn to embrace the leper within before I can embrace the leper outside.

If I could go deep into my core then maybe I would see. I would know myself for He would tell me who I am in His eyes. Then I would know the truth and I would be truly free.

This is my prayer, still in process.